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We had just finished together, and having her at my side felt right. I'm not a terrible looking guy, but I still need to put in lots of work, recover from typically fruitless efforts, and focus relentlessly on stripping away the artifice that generally accompanies dating."I have plans that evening I don't think I can cancel," she informed me. I host a weekly podcast called , which happens to loosely deal with the topic of sex and dating.Fuck every time I’ve been in the same position as her and swallowed my irritation for the sake of preserving…what? I’m nearly a decade into this feminist gig and I still subvert myself and my gender constantly. I have no doubt it was one of several shitty things my brain knee-jerked into thinking that day. How can I be as aware of gendered injustice as I am and still so often lose to my own instincts?I’m like the failed feminist : undermining myself as many as six times before breakfast. How can I stay confident in my convictions when so many of them still spring from conditioning despite my best efforts?And the thought of doing that alone was terrifying. The notion of that in itself didn't bother me -- we had been openly dating other people -- but for the love of god I almost died.Had my chin, cheekbones and teeth not absorbed the brunt of the impact -- had it been my cranium or had I not been found and instead continued to bleed, unconscious in the snow -- things could've turned out much, much worse. A few minutes prior, a patient who had been staying next to me, a cantankerous elderly black man who just hours earlier was sassing nurses, pleading with them for "Hennessy and Coca-Cola" had aspirated and was wheeled out, lifeless.Pressing against the back of my teeth with my tongue, I try to push the refuse through what gaps I can to no avail. Five days ago I was found in the street in a pool of my own blood.Finally, I take my fingers, covered in blood and drool, and begin slowly pulling the phlegm out from my mouth in threads, as though I'm spinning the worlds most revulsive scarf. Details are still emerging, but what we know so far is that bystanders were unable to wake me up, and when EMTs arrived and were finally able to revive me, I was disoriented and severely injured.

I suffered a severe chin laceration, a fractured jaw, two fractured cheekbones, and two of my teeth were extracted.

I reached out to my mom back in California immediately after the accident.

The second person I reached out to was a young woman who I had been dating. She was arguably the person I was most intimate with here; it was common that we'd spend 3-4 nights a week at each other's house.

Thanks so much.” She was talking at an appropriate volume actually — not shouting — and still, the moment felt outright scandalous.

It only took another second for our horror to transform into something else: unfettered deference. Fuck single vacant spots between groups that make it harder for everyone to find a pair of seats. The only energy truly expelled at her behest was by those of us who equated her reasonable confrontation with the incendiary goading of a drunken brawl. One of the more challenging parts of being a woman for me has been the sometimes appalling way my beliefs juxtapose against the way I’ve been conditioned to think and behave. A few weeks ago I put off asking two — not 20 — dudes in my airplane row to let me out to the bathroom, despite my bladder being in physical pain .

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